In this month’s Professional Skier magazine (from PSIA) was this great article by Kevin about equating stand up comedy to ski instruction. There were some great pertinent points, but I really liked some of the fun jokes about skiing and needed to take note and share – mostly with my girls (they LOVE jokes and I never have enough), to spice up the season. So I am hoping that when I visit www.kevincomedy.com I will find some good ongoing material to share – the winter is JUST beginning!
Promise to smile when you read these – and remember it is all in the delivery…..
How many ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine – one to actually change it and eight to analyze their turns.
(This is a variance on my favorite joke that I heard while teaching skiing at Keystone)
How many Vail ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine – one to screw in the bulb and eight to stand there and say “nice turns”!
What is the difference between God and a ski instructor?
God doesn’t think he is a ski instructor.
“Ladies – you think male ski instructors are like chewing gum stuck on a sidewalk. First reaction is “Wow – free gum!”, but when you bring it home to your mother she says “Spit it out! You don’t know where its been”!
From Lot’s of Jokes:
The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready…
– Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
– Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
– Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
– If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
– Throw away a hundred dollar bill – RIGHT NOW!
– Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
– Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
– Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
– Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
– Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
– Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
– Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18-wheeler.
– Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
– Slam your thumb in a car door and don’t bother to go see a doctor.
* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you’re ready for the real thing!
Q. How many snow board instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three – one to hold it, one to video tape it and the other to say “AWESOME DUDE!”
Q. What do you call a snowboarder with no girlfriend/boyfriend?
Q. What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student?
A. 3 days!
Q. If you have a car with 3 snowboarders in the back seat, what do you call the driver?
Q. How does a snowboard instructor meet his group?
A. He rides into them!
Q. How many ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one – he holds it while the mountain revolves aroundAnd a couple for the lifties:
Q. How many lifties does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None – we just call maintenance!
Q. Why do lifties only get half a hour lunch break?
A. Because any longer and they need to be retrained!
The skier’s dictionary from Aha Jokes
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?”
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
What is the dfference between a government bond and a ski instructor?
A: The government bond will eventually mature and make money.
AND THERE’s MORE!
How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ski instructors don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: How do you get a snowboarder off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How many Extreme Skiers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty, one to make the actual turns, and then 19 to point up and say “I could have done that”.
Q: How many ski patrollers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, they simply hold it up and let the world revolve around them.
This guy walks into a bar at Mt. Baker and says “Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?” The bartender says, “I’m a snowboarder, the guy on your right is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your left, and the guy behind you is a snowboarder.” So he says, “OK. I’ll tell it a little more slowly then…”
Q: Why do lifties only get half a hour lunch break?
A: Because any longer and they need to be retrained!
Q: What do snowboarders use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce themselves?
A: Ohhh – sorry dude!
Q: How do you become a millionare as a professional skier?
A: Start out a billionare.
Q: what’s the difference between two large pizzas and a ski instructor?
A: Two large pizzas can feed a family of five.
From Alpine Accessories:
You know you’re a real skier if…
Your significant other thinks diamonds are black.
Have broken or torn something on your body.
You own a $100.00 dress or suit, but have a $600.00 ski outfit.
Have more skiing pictures than wedding pictures.
Complain about a $$1.00 hamburger, but have no problem paying $60 for a lift ticket.
Your ski gear is worth more than your car.
You pay off your visa by the end of summer just to make room for ski season.
You may be a ski bum…
When a night out means Old Milwaukee and chips.
When you buy only $5.00 worth of gas.
When the term car, truck or van means home.
When you shop at the lost and found.
You can live for 5 months on $100.00 worth of food.
When the word frostbite means a little numbness.
When your thumb is your only means of transportation.
When -40 means no lift lines.
Your dream job is the night janitor at the lodge.
Humorous definitions of some ski terms;
ski bum; a person who takes a low paying ski job at a ski resort to watch other people with high paying jobs ski.
ski school; where beginners are turned into menaces.
the snowplow; a skiing position in which the tails of the skis are pushed into a V-shape and the insides are edged. This is usually the first maneuver beginners are taught. From there they learn more complicated maneuvers like the Snowsit, the Snowfall and the Tipscross followed by the ever popular Faceplant.
snow; a form of precipitation that usually occurs three weeks prior to and the morning of your departure from your ski vacation.
Stizmark; a German word for the imprint left in the snow made by a falling skier.
Stiz-remark; an Anglo-Saxon word that can be heard by a fallen skier.
Ski Patrol; a group of trained, experienced volunteers or professionals, wearing distinctive parkas with crosses, who are responsible for the maintenance of safety, the elimination of dangerous conditions, and the treatment of injuries at a ski area. A note to skiers: although members of the ski patrol are prepared to respond instantly in any emergency, a broken hot tub is not considered life threatening.